SACYA

"Oh my Gawd, I said I'd do it in a second, all ready !"

2009-07-04T11:41:00.000-07:00

"Oh my Gawd, I said I'd do it in a second, all ready!"

Getting children to participate and attend to their chores is like pulling the teeth of an elephant in most cases. What parent can not relate to this scenerio? You are yelling for the fourth or fifth time in the last two hours or so, "Will you please collect the garbage bins around the house and then take out the kitchen garbage along with it?" And while your child sits in front of their computer screen or the tv, talking on their cell phones, or for ever seemingly plugged into an ipod, you get the answer back that you are expecting, along with that annoyed tone of entitlement, "Oh my gawd, I said I'd do it in a second, all ready!"

There is nothing new here, kids do not like doing chores, but the truth is that none of us really like doing chores. All children, as well as adults, relate to the general standard of instant gratification and it is very true that doing household chores as mundane as collecting and removing refuse from the home is not as gratifying as getting the latest gossip from a friend, or watchinf the latest hit tv series of 24, or even beating a digital game on a computer. Garbage can hardley compare to that kind of excitement. Now this does not mean that children should not do chores, it does help to explain why children do resist doing them.

Of course another very legitimate reason that a child will resist doing chores is because they are being asked to stop doing what is enjoyable and to do something with little or no gratification or satisfaction for completing "the chore" that is being assinged. Our children do not look at solving a task orientated problem by using their time efficiently and doing the chore quickly to get it over and done with so that they may get a chance to have more time doing those things they enjoy doing. Instead of solving the unpleasant task by doing it quickly they dragging their feet and showing complete disinterest in completing the task at hand. Children, also not having fully matured brains, will not have the same value structures as adults. Children will understand, on one level, that they 'should' do their chores and that as a family member they have certain responsibilities they must engage in simply because they are a member of the family unit but like all children relating the concept to action is a much more difficult task.

When the topic of chores does come up, and it should start to be a part of family discussions once the child reaches an age of compliance, and be given chores that are age appropriate, such as making their own beds, putting their own dirty clothes in a hamper, and other tasks that a small child can perform simply, but be made to feel good about having done a good job when they complete the tasks well and without any expression of complaint or frustration about completing the assigned tasks. When the discussion takes place about chores it needs to made clear to the child that there are consequences to not doing their chores in a timely and appropriate manner. Help them to understand from a very early age that they can make a choice. Do the chore and then have some fun, or do not do the chore and the exclusion of excitement and fun will be the consequence to their attitude and choice about their chores. This is the time to teach your children about respect and attitude, and that they do not have the right to exhibit attitudes of entitlement such as, "I do not have to do it if I don't want to, I never asked to be born, so you do it if you want it done." It is precisely this type of attitude that demonstrates that they are digging in their heels and not complying, and they are looking to enter into a battle with you. The first time that you loose that battle, you are going to consistently loose every other battle you have with them. Take the opportunity to encourage, and reward, from a very early age and you will have a healthy path to step off on as you begin to rear your children into responsible and productive adults, which will also ensure that you and your children will have a positive and healthy relationship throughout the course of your lifetime and theirs.

If you have not started this process early on in the childs life, then a little prompting, reminding, and encouraging will go a long way to help your children fulfill their responsibilities. And as a parent we have a responsibility to make sure that our children do tasks around their home and using a system of general reminders to do those chores, first, before they do anything else is healthy and helps prevent those all out tug-of-wars that so often invade other families and their homes. It is perfectly fine to say to your children when they come in from school, " okay guys, lets everyone get our chores done, then we can do those things we would like to do for an hour before dinner, and don'y forget that the show 24 is on tonight and it is starting at eight tonight."

This kind of reminder is actually three fold in its delivery: one, by using a simple and upbeat approach to getting their chores done will get them done and out of the way quickly; secondly, you remind them that they will have the reward of free time before you meet their basic needs such as planning and preparing their needs; thirdly, there is the reminder of family time together doing something together that is enjoyable and can be looked forward too.

Okay so you have not "created" a perfect family system from day one, but you know realize that things have to change and you want to effect those changes with as few battles as possible, here are a few tips to make the transition a little easier: To begin with know that anytime new policies and procedures are put into place you are going to face some opposition, so take some time for yourself and build in a "plan" to deal with the oppossition ---- and remember some oppossition and defiance is natural and to be expected as children get older and search for their own autonomy ---- we will talk at a later date what should be considered as 'normal and acceptable' ways of expressing the needs to change and for change, and what attitudes cross the line and which ones are healthy expressions of frustration ----

So you are ready to introduce a chore list in your home, but one has never really been there before and the first obstacle you face is that your child simply does not want to do his chore.

You have asked your child to clean up his bedroom and he says "no." First thing to do is NOT to yell at him to get it done, and follow that with the frail threat of "or else", because if this is the approach you are only setting yourself up for confrontation and a battle you are going to loose. Rather, take a calmer approach, and invite your child to sit with you for a moment to discuss the situation. Try and talk to him about what he thinks is going on and what seems to be getting in the way of him doing the assinged tasks. Listen, but do not object to his answer, because it is likely going to be something along the lines of "I don't wanna."
Motive him beyond the negative and ask him what it is he would like to do once the chore is done and then try and motivate him toward getting the work assingment done so that he may be able to do what he really wants to do. Appealing to a child;s self interest, rather than explaining the abstract concept of responsibility or duty, is generally much more effective for kids.

Sometimes using a time/reward incentive can help to foster healthy competition between siblings. Using time as a distant reward, for example, " if you get all of your daily chores done this week withing the half hour time period we will all have a big surprise on the weekend, and if you can do your chores each day this week faster than the half an hour, then you will be allowed to stay up for an extra fifteen minutes for every minute you save on your chores, or you can choose to use the computer for the same amount of time."

By using the "time/reward incentive" program it becomes something that is more exciting to see if the chores can be done quickly so that extra time being allowed to participate in enjoyable activities of choice, and this portion of the new rules will stimulate the child. The child has to be assured however that even if they do not get their chores done within the half an hour period, they will not loose any priviledges, but they gain something if they do "beat the clock." This system uses reward and is preferrable to one in which the child loses something, which also makes this a motivational tool not a punitive aspect of getting the chores done.

Finances are a tool that can be used, only if the family is in a position to implement this aspect. This system must be used a little more thoughtfully than just handing out a certain amount of financial stimulus in exchange for tasks well done.

Children need to learn fiscal responsibility and that a job well done is worth a reward both financial and motivational, as these are the beginnings of teaching children their worth through assesment and reward. If you are going to give children financial reward for tasks required, then fiscal responsibilty must also be introduced. Children should be given a fixed amount based upon the chore and responsibility of that chore, but then there must be a fixed system of useage for the money earned. I suggest using four different jars that are individually labeled and setting the jars in the childrens rooms, and a seperate accounting book in your room (you should always have the checks and balances in place when finances are involved so that should a discrepancie arise you know exactly where the "accounts" should stand. One jar should be labeled as "savings" in which 20% should be deposited in this jar.
One jar should be labeled as "donations" in which 10% should be deposited in this jar.
One jar should be labeled as "expenses" in which 35% should be deposited in this jar.
The last jar should be labeled as " personal funds" in which the remainder of the 35% should be deposited in this jar.
Now once the jars are set up, an explanation of how and where the money is going to be allowed to be used. All children should be taught that "savings" are something that we each need to understand and become diligent about doing for our own financial safety net and fiscal responsibility is a much needed life lesson that as parents we are responsible to teach to our children and to teach it well.
"Donations" jars are to be used to show your children how blessed that they are, and that empathy for those who have much less than we have is something that will benifit them for a life time.
"Expenses" is the jar the children learn is kept for those "big ticket" items that they want to purchase for themselves, and again this must be kept age appropriate, putting money away for a car at the age of seven is not going to be gratifying anytime in the forseeable future, but when you are seven and there is a really cool bike that you just have to have, that is a fair investment. This will also help your children to understand that the things they want cost money and have a real term cost as well by taking time to earn enough money to purchase those wanted things.
"Personal Funds" this is the jar that meets the needs of immediate gratification. Working for money is the way the real world works, but in that, it is also true that we gain immediate gratification for the jobs we do and do well and your children must have the right to make decisions about the money they earn and what they would like to do with the money they earn.
Again however, there must be a responsibility factor here and it is a family's responsibilty to help their children become fiscally responsible.
Now of course there is another hook to the financial reward/incentive program for doing chores.
If you do not do your chores, you do not get paid. When someone else has to do your chores, that person gets the financial reward and incentive, and, if the refusal to do chores continues, then there must be a financial penalty to this system in which the first jar to loose money is of course the "personal funds" jar, the last jar that should be as a penalty is the donations jar, as your children must be taught that they are making a decision ---- a child who is poor should not be punished for your childs irresponsible behavior. By working the financial rewards incentive program this way you are not communicating on the chore, you are working on a communications process as well as your child's motivations.

When implimenting a new program within the home use structure; choose a time when the chores are going to be done. Personally I think that during the school year it is best to use the evening hours because as every child and parent will tell you a school morning is just "crazy" just getting out the door and on the way to school. Then switch it up during the summer holidays as this will give everyone the whole day to do as they wish and enjoy the beautiful summer sun --- also it is easier to work in the house while it is still cool enough out side that the house has not become that preverbile oven ! Make it a rule, regardless of the seasons of the year, chores HAVE to be done before "playtime" Have at least two chores that are daily; making your own bed and putting your own clothes into the hamper ---- even very young children can comply with this.
Make a weekly chore chart that can be changed around so that not everyone is doing the same things all of the time, and the some of the more unpleasant chores are not being done by the same person all of the time. Help your children to understand that if they all pitch in that the free time can be enjoyed by all, but before anyone can have free time, responsibilities must be met.
You do not want to be pulling your children away from something they love to do in order to get them to do something they will find mundane and boring, but rather you want to teach them that your want to get them to work through the mundane and boring in order for them to get to the exciting and fun things they want to do. As part of the structure for chore's, schedule chore time so that everyone is doing them at the same time, this avoids the feelings that someone is being left out during the "fun times" while some of the children are 'stuck' doing chores.

Be prepared to keep your eyes on the kids as they do their assigned chores because some chores can be "masked", but then you must ask yourself if my child is not doing his chores, what is it that he is doing? If their pattern is to "hide" during chore time, you have to put a stop to that pattern immediately. The choice should never be "excitement or chore" ---- rather it must be "boredom or chore." Kids have to understand that they can not just go out and "hang out" during chore time, listening to their ipods or reading a comic book and then re-appear when chore time is finished. If this is happening the consequences have to be swift and compelling so that the child realizes that working together as a family means that the family gets to play together as well, and what one child does will have an impact on everyone in the family. So if your middle child is "hiding out" during chore time, then the family outing on Saturday is missed out by everyone, or, his allowance is shared with all of the other family members once the chores are completed. There must be a direct resulting consequence to misbehavior.

Do not use chores as a punishment, with only one exception that we will talk about in a second.
When a child misbehaves and a consequence is required to drive home the fact that the particular behavior is not acceptable, having to do the dishes is not an appropriate punishment as chores should not be seen as the child as something that is punitive.
Now as we said, there is an exception to this rule. When one child has been mean or rude, or cruel to a sibling, then making the offending child take of the hurt cchilds chore for three days straight is appropriate because this is a pyhsical way of saying "I was wrong to do what I did to you and to show you that I get it, I am doing your chores for you." Depending on the behavior, have both the children talk about the consequence and the parent can mediate the conversation between the children, but for the most part, have the children work it out. This gives the offending child a chance to understand in a physical way, what the cost was to the child who was on the receiving end of the inappropriate behavior. Allow some time between the "offense" and the "communications period" because you want both children to know what has transpired and you want to give some "breathing" space before the consequences are talked about and delivered.

The next thing that needs to be done when a new plan has been implemented is the introduction of the reward system.
It is pretty simple: take responsibility and do the task well, have a well planned reward.
Use a chart that every one can see and check in on: list names and chores and a checks system; chore is done, check. five checks, choose the reward for the day; everyone gets all of their checks in a week, choose the family reward.
Many professionals now agree that tv, computers, video games, ipods, cell phones, should be considered commodities not necessities these days. The tv does not have to be on from morning until night, kids do not have to have a computer on in front of them every free moment of their day, video games, cell phones, and ipods are all items that have an isolating factor to them so they should be limited. Each of these items should have a value of time of use applied to it, Each child should be given a specific time of computer time, tv time, along with video game time, cell phone time, ipod time, etc., and it is these commodities that can be used constructively for incentive and punishment.
Want more tv time, earn it. Want more computer time, earn it. Do something unacceptable either in behavior or attitude, do not do your chores or cause a scene at school or at home and loose time with these commodities.
Do not make the mistake of taking the commodities away for so long that the punishment has become as abusive or obnoxious as the crime itself. Set a limit, for example, "that behavior, or remark, just cost you two hours of computer time and one hour of tv time, becareful with your attitude about your punishment because you can still loose your cell phone time and video time tonight as well, that is not going to hurt my feelings at all !" Make sure that they have enough time to earn back a portion of what has been lost during the day. Your kids will come around a lot quicker in attitude and behavior if they understand that if they behave from point "a" to point "b" by the time their show is on that they really love they could be out of punishment time by then, It gives them something to work for.

Kids will understand that doing chores is a part of their role in the family, but if they also understand that as their parents we value them and their time and none of us like having to work for nothing. And as their parents we also understand that the "payment" given for a job well done is a motivating principal. If however you are going to expect your kids to work with a good attitude, make sure your payment to them says that you do recognize and value them ---- teaching kids to do household chores for the abstract reason ----like duty or responsibility-----sounds great on paper, but in the real life of your kids it is going to have very little practical application in their life.
So if you don't want to hear "attitude, excuses, or fighting an up hill battle" everytime you ask your kids to do something in the house do not set your kids up so that their response to being asked to take out the garbage is predictable, instead, start early with chores, tell your kids through your actions and reactions that you are proud of them when they get " it " done and done well. Communicate with them, make sure they understand your expectations, and sometimes, just sometimes, you might just have to "waite a second !" for that particular thing to be done. Your children are not robots, they should not jump just because you ask them for something. Don't make the mistake of acting like a drill sergant in the army, remember you are their Moms and Dads and they are your children not your slaves.
Looking for more information on communicating and rearing your children, stay tuned to our blog and check us out on http://www.sacyahomes.com/ and we will keep walking you through the parenting process. If you have any questions and if there is anything we can help you with, remember we are here for you. Looking forward to helping you any way we can, so stay tuned, and talk to you soon.

doc cam

If I Give You an Excuse, That Should Be Enough!

2009-05-04T11:39:00.000-07:00

If I Give You an Excuse, That Should Be Enough!

"Yeah but ..."
"Sorry, but ... "
"Hey, it's your fault cause ..."

You hear it all the time from your children when you are asking them for an accounting of their behavior, actions, or the reason they have done one thing, or another. As parents you must be diligent in listening to your child, and their first few words are their most revealing as to whether they are going to take responsibility or if they are totally going to advert all responsibility for their actions.

As soon as you hear, "Yeah, but he was staring at me funny." Or any sentence that starts in the all encompassing "Yeah, but ..." you all ready know that you are going to hear an excuse which adverts all responsibility from the child and is meant to direct the responsibility onto someone else. Maybe this is just to avoid the consequences, maybe the child understands that their behavior is going to require a negative punishment that they simply do not want to have placed upon them so they automatically attempt to excuse their own behaviors.

If excuses are allowed and the "yeah, buts...", are the most common answers that you hear, you must make a change in these excuse making behaviors because if you do not address this immediately you are setting your children up for a life time of failures. They are failing to see that they are developing bad habits including not owning up to their mistakes or taking any kind of responsibility for their own actions which will mean in the future they will refuse to accept any blame, take responsibility, which is going to leave them unable to change their thinking which will not only add to their inappropriate behavior but leave them feeling like they have the right to act in a manner which excuses all of the their negative behaviors and allows them to continue acting out and refusing to accept their own behaviors.

Children will learn quickly that excuse statements such as "Yeah, but ...," can and does often lessen the response, and even the consequential reaction of a parent and of course by having their actions dismissed by their parents means that the display of disappointment is not as evident either.

The problem however is instantaneous, without accountability there is no genuine change made on the child's part.

You have to realize that when children begin using using words and phrases such as "yeah, but.." or, "Gee, I'm sorry..." are actually just statements of manipulation. They choose these phrases simply trying to avoid consequences or getting out of trouble and trying to placate you so you will not be angry with them. There is a great deal of danger here for your child and their future ability to communicate honestly and taking a responsible look at their own behaviors and once these types of behaviors are incorporated into their personality, they will bring this into their adulthood and those relationships. As a parent you must correct these types of excuse making communication styles. You can allow your child to say "I am sorry, but...." as long as that but is followed by a "but" with an action oriented plan following the apology. For example when you teach your child to say, "I am sorry, but, next time I will make sure that I do this ... instead of doing what I did today." When you teach your children to communicate with these types of statements, you can hear the child owning their behavior, recognizing their negative responses, and also having a clear idea of what needs to change in their actions to make sure that the same mistake is not made again. This is key to developing a positive and responsible child, one who will become a contributing and positive influence to other people in their adult lives.

Please do not misunderstand what is being said here. When a child does apologize, it is a good thing. If they are sorry for their behaviors, accept their apologies. If your child is giving you an apology but they are putting an excuse behind it, it is that behavior and communication style that has to be corrected.

It is imperative that children learn to say that they are sorry but when they say they are sorry and follow that with a "but", you know that they are getting ready to make an excuse and it is at this point that you have to help the child to see that they are not really sorry for what they have done. Rather you want to be helping your child to approach an apology with two things, one of them has to be responsibility, and the other has to be an understanding that they will solve the problem differently next time the same type of experience arises.

Changing a child's behavior is not always automatic or easy, but it must be something that is addressed. Start by challenging your child's behavior and thinking immediately upon the presentation of an inappropriate behavior, and make sure that you challenge them each and every time you see a behavior or excuse making communication that is unacceptable to you. You can challenge the behaviors of excuse making by pointing out the inconsistency in the language being used by your child. For example if your child says to you, "I am sorry, but you wouldn't let me go out and play." So the conversation that you have with your child has to go along these lines, "I here you saying that you are sorry for throwing your ball in the house and breaking the mirror, but all you are really saying is that you are mad that you could not go outside, so you through the ball in the house and now that the mirror is broken you are attempting to make it sound like it is my fault that you have been confined to the house." First of all, help your child to see that an apology that folds in blame is not an apology, it is manipulation.

When your child has done something wrong getting them to apologize is not always the goal that you should go after, because an insincere apology is as much of a manipulation as the excuse made within the apology. It is not worth fighting with your child just to extract an apology that is meaningless. It will further the communication abilities with your child and with you if your communication with each other is at least honest at it's core so what you really want to elicit is to hear that they will take responsibility and express an alternative for future behavior that is more compliant with house rules and respect of persons and possessions in the home.

When you are trying to redirect your child's use of manipulation in their communication, or excuse making to deflect responsibility begin by speaking in terms of problem solving techniques. Help the child to identify those things that need to be worked on and what they can do to look at their particular circumstance and recognize the problems and how to solve them in a more effective way.

Once you recognize language that is loaded with manipulation and blame, statements that deflect any responsibility away from the child, begin immediately with corrective intervention. You must sit down and start to talk to the child about the avoidance language that they are using when they use language like, " Yeah, but ... " Point out to the child that phrases such as, "I am sorry, but, ... " or, "Yeah, but ... " , is not really helpful to anyone and then set new rules in place by telling them that from now on when they are asked to do something, or they are asked a question regarding their behavior they will answer in honest and direct ways that show that they accept their own behavior and indicate that they will change their behaviors by doing something different and positive as opposed to the negative behavior previously exhibited.

It can also be useful to offer to rehearse new ways of communicating when they are faced with situations where they would typically use an avoidance or blame technique in their communications. For example you can teach them to use sentences such as, "I was wrong, and next time I will attempt to do this instead." Practicing and role playing with incidents that have previously come up, will help them to understand how to use their language skills more effectively and also teach them to take responsibility for their actions. Through role playing and through practicing techniques such as these this will also allow the child to gain a greater understanding of their actions and their responsibility in their communication and in what and how they are saying something.

The real bottom line here is this: your child can solve his problems in life by blaming others people and avoiding responsibility by giving a lot of fluff in their apologies that they do not mean at all. Or they can own up to their responsibilities and actions by admitting their fault and holding themselves accountable. One of these approaches in life are much more constructive and healthy in the long run than is the other approach of false apologies and manipulation. As their parents you must decide what type of child you wish to raise, a responsible and honest child who will accept their actions and correct them, or a child that will constantly have a long line of dead end excuses and always look to blame others for their poor choices and behaviors.

Remember, quality communication skills do not only enhance your relationship with your child but it also enhances their standing in their communities when they become participating adults in the world they are going to be contributing too in the all to near future. Their lives depend on your ability to guide them and direct them and ensure that they do not avoid accepting the consequences for their actions either as a child or an adult.

Hang in there Mom and Dad, and remember that the team at SACYA is here to help you along the way. Feel free to contact us with any comments, concerns that you have, and keep checking in here as we (try) post new material every week here.

Talk to you soon.
Doc Cam

Making ODD Extinct in Your Home

2009-04-25T13:23:00.000-07:00

Oppositional Defiance Disorder CAN become EXTINCT in Your Home !

As a parent of a child who has ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder) the isolation and feelings of hopelessness and loneliness can be an overwhelming feeling that suffocates and confuses the emotional ties a parent has for their own child. Often their feelings oscillate between loving their child and really disliking them at the same time. It is not easy to have the feelings of frustration and love for a child that seems to go out of their way to be difficult, abusive, rude, and disappointing everyone around them. It can be hard to believe that a child who lives with ODD does not act, and react, on purpose towards you, the parent, and to their siblings, and to others in their lives.

You watch your child being absolutely defiant to every direction, every suggestion, or request that is asked or given to them. They do not just say "no" to your directions, they literally seem to explode, like a mini bomb going off in your home, wounding and affecting everyone in their path of destruction.

Living with the child who has the psychiatric disorder of Oppositional Defiance Disorder is exactly like an explosive going off in your home time after time, and the devastation that it causes is just as harmful as if a real stick of dynamite had gone off in your kitchen. Standing in the wake of the devastation and all around you is the evidence recorded upon the souls and in the eyes of the walking wounded. The siblings that are hurt by the brother or sister, who seems to be cruel to them just because they have the power to do so, the injury that is caused by emotionally scarring words that rip and tear, as if the blast has gone through their tiny hearts, the weapon used, a small little voice coming from the mouth of a child that you love, is such a painful existence for everyone to live in. Not to mention having to witness the devastation felt by your other innocent children and loved ones in the home, even your family pets are not immune to the terror of a child's anger.

So the devastation continues, as does the pain and confusion, you love your children but having no way of controlling their outrageous and obnoxious behavior has you looking for every solution to contain the behavior and control the out of control child.

Desperation comes as you live in your home where you feel loneliness and hopelessness feel like your prison inmates. Emotionally the prison walls are more confining as you watch a child that you love, but simply do not like anymore, waiting for them to explode at every request, requirement, question or situation that arises in the daily life of the family. Confusion comes to you like second nature because everything you try to do to control the outbursts of this child and continue to support the needs of the other people in your family fails at every attempt and plan that you implement.

Helplessness is your constant emotional companion, and the simple little pleasures in life that your children and family should be enjoying just leave you ALL feeling emotionally, physically, spiritually, and functionally robbed and extorted, and the extortionist is one of your own children.

Meanwhile your other children, are growing up in an atmosphere that is loaded with feelings of intimidation, fear, and confusion as they do not know what to feel or how to react to their brother or sister, and they watch, they learn, as all of your energies as their parent go towards this child that is so disruptive and mean to them and they do not understand why bad behavior gets all the attention and no matter what they do, good or bad, seems to either get extreme reactions or no reactions at all.

So what is the solution? Is there a solution? Can one truly be found that will work for you and your family and be a solution that is a viable long lasting solution that will bring resolution and reparation to those in your family and your home, to your relationship with your children and family?

The short answer is YES !

The long answer is YES, but it is going to take a lot of work and a lot of understanding, re-parenting and redefining the relationship boundaries.

Where does one start then? As parents, you must learn everything you can about the disorder of Oppositional Defiance, how to handle the issues and difficulties that come with this disorder and how it affects the child who lives with and suffers through their life with this disorder. No matter what else you know or believe about the child that has ODD, they do suffer and it is as difficult on them as well as their siblings and parents.

The child with ODD will often wonder why them? They do and will have questions as to why their behaviors are so out of control, even within their own perspectives. They understand that they seem to be different than other children their age, and they especially understand that they are treated differently from within the family dynamic. They understand that they do not get treated like their other siblings and that they do not react the same as do their brothers or sisters to the same situations. They recognize in many cases that their behaviors are out of the norm for the most part but they struggle with the questions of why them and how can they become the children that are loved by everyone else in family and be considered as 'the great kid' in the family. These children can be as frustrated by their unpredictable behavior as everyone else in the family. But on the other hand, these children can and do often enjoy the POWER that this disorder gives to them. It is this part of the struggle that is going to be hard for these children to let go of, changing forever their status of intimidater and manipulator, controller of each situation and they suddenly must be willing to become compliant and respectful to those that they have in the past been in 'charge' over. so that the rest of the family can successfully change.

Children with ODD seem to internalize a different message about their lives and the people that should be in control of them, they see and hear, feel that if they are told "no" to something that their control is being challenged and as soon as they loose that sense of control, something very bad is going to happen to them and their fear is as real to them as someone who is facing a large snake when snakes terrify them.

The child with ODD will act to fear and terror that is internalized by external exhibitions of emotional displays. They yell, scream, demand, attack verbally and physically, causing the very chaos and inconsistency that they fear the most. Their sense of panic will rise dramatically when they feel that the control they "need" is being removed from them and they loose the ability to focus on the task at hand, which is learning to give control back to those who should naturally have it, their parents.

The changing of the familiar life of chaos can be as fearful for the parent as it is for the child with ODD so it is imperative as changes come that everyone have, know, and understand, the plan at hand and to stay with it, even if it appears it is not working !

Possibly the easiest way to re-parent and re-organize the family that struggles with the issues of ODD is this: A three point plan to manage and stop the oppositionality. Keeping the plan simple is paramount to the success of reconciling the family and healing the old wounds and creating a new future for every ones 'life' success. Remember the old acronym of K. I. S. S. (Keep It Simple Stupid!) so keeping the realignment simple and use the three terms of "Avoid", "Escape", and "Redirect".

In the beginning of living the new structure of family life, do everything that can be done to AVOID all Conflicts! A way to avoid conflict is to make sure that everyone is on the same page with the new plans and you can accomplish this in part by creating and Posting a schedule of daily events that are not only structured but reviewed and agreed upon either the night before or the morning at breakfast time, and then to make sure that the schedule is posted where everyone can see it and refer to it. Keeping everything as subdue as possible when a situation does arise (and they will come up) make sure the child is given a reminder of the agreement. For example when your child begins to embark on "playing" when it is scheduled homework time, concentrate on re-focusing your child, not starting an argument with them but rather by "talking" with them and letting them process the changes that have been agreed upon and the structure and schedule that they all needed to abide by. It will be a lot easier to "talk" to your child and say to them, "Let us stay on track at this point, and get your homework done, and if you need some help to do that then lets do it together, and after we have done that we can look at switching your playtime with your shower time today. But for now, we have to agree to do your homework and if we can achieve that, we can negotiate after that."

By allowing the child some decision making rights, and negotiating and processing through a situation together will AVOID the conflict that is being set up to explode. Giving your children a say in how their day is going to go is not a matter of throwing out the schedule, but it is a matter of allowing them some responsibility for decision making and thereby instilling in them a sense of self-direction. Set the daily schedules together, agree on them, but always be willing to allow events to be flexible enough so that the child does not become overwhelmed and return to old ways of coping causing difficulties.

Remember, as the parent, not to be thinking of yourself as loosing control of the structured schedule and giving in when things need to change, but rather look to the situation for what it is, you are AVOIDING conflicts and allowing your child to have a say in the direction their day is going to take. This is also a positive way of rebuilding your communication styles with the children of the family. When there have been extensive problems within the family in the past, communication is often one of the first things that become problematic and shouting seems to be the only way any one communicate with each other. This new way of dealing with each other will build new communication skills for each of you and this will ensure that the new structuring of family relations will succeed.

If you find that you are making constant changes in the schedule, and you are constantly re-negotiating situations to avoid conflict, then you have to make a decision to sit down with your family and explain again what the purpose is of making the daily schedule. Reminding them that they have the ability to structure their day so they have to make a decision to remain on task and on schedule, only negotiating changes occasionally.

The next strategy that you want to use is one of "ESCAPE."

The moment that you realize that a situation is getting out of control and escalating, you have to begin to immediately think of ways of escaping the escalation and it can often be as simple as restating your position in a calm, assertive voice, and then simply walking away without allowing for continued engagement and creating an environment for the situation to get out of control. Do Not Respond to the child if they begin to talk back to your stated position, rather remove yourself from the burgeoning argument. If they continue to "backtalk" as you are walking away, make sure that this does not react as the trigger that pulls you back into a face to face confrontation with the child. They need to learn that you are going to remove yourself from the conflict that they are trying to engage you into. Once the child begins to see that your reactions are going to be different from now on, they will soon get the picture that they are not able to control you and that you are not going to respond to their back talk, they will give up on this strategy.
THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN OVERNIGHT !! But you must remain committed to the restructuring of the relationships, and remain committed to the idea that you are the one that is going to be in charge and not give your child the ability to dictate to you how things are going to be in your home, and that you are going to make decision for your own behavior and not be 'pulled' back into old reactions. They will get the picture soon enough as you remain consistent and committed to changing your attitude and theirs as well.

Lastly REDIRECTION is a key to the plan of reconstruction of family relations. De-escalate the negative behavior is going to REDIRECT the behavior of your child. Immediately upon realizing that the behavior or situation is escalating in a negative direction, use re-direction to refocus the child. For example if your child is fighting with a sibling and you can see the domination and abuse being used as a power technique, then step in and remind the child of something that they are expecting and looking forward to happening that if things do not settle down right away then the expectation of a favorite show or activity will not take place that evening and the privilege will be lost. Once you have stated your position and you have made it clear what is at stake for the negative behavior, walk away and leave the decision of what will happen for that particular activity up to your child. Be sure that you do not leave the vulnerable child in the situation either, take them out of the situation, redirecting both children and their activities. Perhaps simply giving a new task or suggestion will be enough to de-escalate a circumstance before it becomes intense and out of control.

Immediacy in response and consistency, is going to be the key to making these steps work for changing the family dynamics and direction. This is going to take time, but staying committed to changing the way your family interacts with one another, and what will be allowed and what behaviors will not be allowed, and making those rules clear will also assist you in re -harmonizing the home situation and making 'home' a safe and comfortable place to be for everyone!

Remember as a parent, once your child with ODD becomes invested in winning an argument and "winning" is as important to this child. The feeling of power and the satisfaction of "winning" is the fuel that this child runs on, so do not fuel that need by feeding into it by sticking around and participating in their arguments and their escalations of circumstances. Remain calm, state clearly your expectations, and then walk away, removing all of the targets of the child's interest or investment of the argument such as another sibling or even yourself. Leaving the child with ODD nothing to fight with, fight over or with the need to "win" in a situation, remove, refocus and redirect immediately and do not respond to their negative engagements.

When times are calm, go over the rules with the child once again and explain to the child the outcome of misbehavior's so that they are clear, asking the child for clarification that they understand what is being said. Do not fall into the trap of over explaining, nor do you need to justify your position, you do not owe your child an apology for deciding to take back control and ensure that they know you are parenting them. Do not allow a calm discussion and explanation to become an argument, simply state your position once again, making sure the child understands your expectations of them and their performances. Once you are sure they have understood what you have said, leave the discussion on the best terms you can.

Keep in mind commitment, consistency, immediate response, and a desire to achieve change in your family relationships and giving each person in the home respect and a chance to state their opinions will go a long way to harmonizing the home where ODD resides.

Do not give into this disorder, and do not allow it to rob you and your family of a chance to have a happy home with life success for each member of the family. "Fight" for the child that is impacted with this disorder, do Not "fight" with them.

As a family you can all defeat this disorder without loosing a single member of your family or any of the characteristics that make up a "great family, with a great family life."

There is always help and support for you and your family with SACYA, so feel free to contact us through our website http://www.sacyahomes.com/ or you are welcome to contact Dr. Cam directly through email at doccam@sacya.com or mail@sacya.com or if your needs are urgent please feel free to call SACYA through the toll free number 1-888-625-3176 and if we are unable to take your call immediately please leave us a message and we Will contact you as soon as possible.

Until then, keep on checking in here with us and we will do our best to bring you answers to the questions you have regarding parenting, and your relationships with your children.
If you have a question or a subject matter you would like us to address please let us know and we will do our best to answer you as quickly as possible.

For now, take care, talk to you soon
doc cam

The Child Who Goes Out of Their Way to be Out of Control In Public

2009-04-08T12:34:00.000-07:00

The Child that Goes Out of their Way to be Out of Control in Public

So exactly what is happening with your child when they seem to go out of their way to embarrass you in public? Seemingly being rude, obnoxious, loud, personally threatening you or your spouse or even their siblings, generally misbehaving, all in an attempt to get what they want, oblivious as to what others are seeing, saying or thinking about their behaviors, least of all you!

When they do not get what they want they become aggressive, yelling, humiliating the adult, and everyone else they are with, and just acting out in ways that are so unappealing, that you just wish you could just dig a whole and either drop them in it, or crawl in it yourself. Better yet find ways not take them with you anywhere, anytime, ever especially when you, or they, have to be in a public setting. In fact the truth of the matter is, their behavior and mannerisms are holding you hostage! They are totally unpredictable, except for the fact that you know that they are 'going to go off'' at some point, it is just a matter of when, where, and just how embarrassing is it going to be for you, and how embarrassed are you going to be for them? And the other question that runs through your mind, so often is, are you going to be able to hold it together sufficiently enough that if stranger does call child protection services on you, when you do loose it?

What is being taught to your child when they are allowed to get away with this behavior?

It is simple, they are being taught that their behavior is allowable. They are allowed to misbehave, and they are being given permission to treat you and others in a disrespective manner because you simply do not know what to do to prevent this assault to your senses before it happens, and you are almost 'frozen' by the shear volume of the outburst when it does occur.

You are telling your child in very clear language that inappropriate and abusive, and frankly rude behavior is an effective way to ensure that they get what they want, whenever they want it. Should you decide, at some point, to actually say "no" to them, this will immediately guarantee that they will go ballistic ensuring that their wants and desires are given into immediately.

Using this poor behavior as a manipulation tool against you. the parent, and the 'outsiders' as their audience, they know that you will do anything at this point to shut them up and stop the embarrassment for You, because they are not ashamed of this malicious behavior at all. They only know that it is a tool, and it works. So, of course, they are going to use it, and they wait for that precise moment when it will have the most effectiveness and result in immediate gratification for them that they desire.

There can only be two possible outcomes of this type of behavior, and neither one of them are on the 'upside' of how you want your child behaving, nor are they going to winning combinations for you. They discover that they do not have to change at all, because after all everything they are doing works for them. And every single time that you give into them you are making that characteristic stronger within them and there is no reason that they have to mature or take responsibility for their actions and you are giving them the permission they seek not to comply with your rules or the rules of society as a whole because concessions will always be made for them.

It is our job as parents to shape and prepare our children for the real world that they are going to enter into. It is our job to socialize our children to follow the rules of social behaviors and society as a whole. How to conduct themselves as civilized persons, and to treat others with respect. Engaging in acceptable mannerisms around others and expecting more of themselves as people and not acting in blatant animalistic ways in either social or personal settings.

YOU ARE SETTING YOUR CHILD UP FOR FAILURE !!!

Your child will quickly discover that there is absolutely nothing that will be expected of them in terms of their behavior, and that there is no reason to change ---- why would you want to change a behavior that gave you everything you wanted? Secondly, every time you give into this obnoxious behavior, you are contributing to their ability to become more and more obnoxious every time you allow the behavior, you just make defiance a stronger part within their personality traits. If you like your child to be loud, rude, obnoxious, and manipulative, do NOT correct this behavior in public, the VERY FIRST time it happens and it will become a part of their personality and character trait. Make no mistake, you WILL teach your child that their obnoxious and rude behavior will work as a blackmail techniques and they will get their own way with you. Their thought patterns will instantly become, "Give me what ever I want, when I want it, or I will make you pay for it by facing my wrath, anger and obnoxious behavior!"

The whole Game,(and do not be mistaken, it is a game to them) involves using their obnoxious behavior to control all outside circumstances without taking responsibility or learning to deal with situations by taking personal responsibility to solve the problems they face.

BUT, if you do not require more of them, they will not give you anymore than you demand of them.

We have all ready predicted your next question: how do we change the behaviors we do not want from our children?

Well it is actually quite easy. The very first time that there is a behavior that occurs that you do not appreciate, STOP IT !!

When you allow an inappropriate behaviors to continue unchecked. or to go on without an immediate and swift consequence you take away all possibilities of teaching that the unacceptability of a behavior but robs your child of the ability to develop their own effective problem solving skills and the experience of learning an acceptable coping strategy. And, when difficult situations do present themselves, they will not know how to effectively deal with,or develop a different strategy for these types of situations because not everyone will be so willing to appease them just because they scream, yell and demand that they get their own way.

When your child uses acting out and inappropriateness as their coping mechanisms and they do not explore other options of conduct and behavior modifications, you are allowing them to stunt their own abilities and affecting their self esteem. You are in fact stunting their abilities to find effective ways to interact and problem solve which leads quickly into frustration and even bullying as they do not get the expected outcomes they desire so they begin to believe that aggression is the only avenue to ENSURE that their behavior allows for compliance to their needs and wants.

All children between 0 and three years of age will first throw a tantrum when they are tired, frustrated, angry or just not happy with the situation that is being presented to them. However even in this situation you need to STOP the behavior is at the precise moment it presents and before the behavior has any chance of setting itself up as a positive control mechanism withing the child's personal charactersic within their personality arsenal of behaviors and personal conducts. If it is stopped right away it will not have the ability to entrench itself and then does gets out of control. If the behavior is allowed to get out of control, even once, it will be the beginning of a nightmare that will not end until you get it under control and the longer they are allowed to behave in a displeasing manner, it will become harder to correct very quickly. Power and control is addictive and children learn it very quickly and to give it up will become a power struggle to regain the control once they have discovered the effectiveness of unchecked defiance. Defiance that is allowed to go uncorrected will lead to further exploration of behaviors that test the limits of acceptability.

If you see a behavior you do not want to see repeated, that is when it needs to be addressed as unacceptable the time to correct it is immediately, you will avoid a lot of discipline problems in the future if you address the problem upon its presentation. Make your expectations clear and the child will not test your limits and they will be compliant about their behaviors and conduct when they know the boundaries are firm.

PLEASE DO NOT place young children between 3 mos. and 3 years into a position of having to 'figure out' out their inappropriate behaviors by correcting a tantrum or clear frustration with consequences, rather, redirect their attention in a quite place to calm down. It is important not to have serious consequences, even a slap on the hand is too much (hands are made for loving), because children are often so tired and become overwhelmed easily and do not have the capacity to 'control' their own emotions.

Adults tend to manage things quite differently than a child does --- this should go with out saying, of course --- kids have stimulation come at them like the waves of a tsunami and when you put this child in a crowded place with all the noise, sights, sounds, and visual stimulation's it is no wonder they become overwhelmed and their stimulation becomes a situation of frustration.

Management skills must remain the same and consistent for the best results, even if this is a case of being over tired or over stimulated, WAIT IT OUT PATIENTLY; GIVE A LITTLE ASSURANCE; like, hang in honey we are almost done and then we can get out of here. I know your tired and frustrated, Mommy is too.

There is no shame in admitting to your child that you are feeling the same way also, it helps them assimilate to the fact that they are not the only ones feeling out of control.
You are the best advocate for your child, you know when they are just tired and you know what frustrates them.
Prepare your child before you embark on a shopping spree, and bring along little treats like a small bag of cheerios or some small cubes of cheese. Let them know that if they get tired or frustrated you will be able to take a rest and regain some composer. Also do not be afraid to let your children know the consequences of their actions, especially if their actions go beyond the norm, such as frustration and tiredness, if it is an older child that you are dealing with state clearly what will happen if they begin to act out, tell them that if they act out, you are going to turn around and go home at the FIRST Sign of abuse or misbehavior (remember this is with your older children), Your younger children will begin to learn quickly the rules of behavior when in public if you just continue to talk to them and let them know what is happen.
If you have older children and you have lost control of them then TURN IT AROUND --- MAKE YOU EXPECTATIONS CLEAR !!! If they do not comply --- Follow Through With Your Demands for Compliance!

You can not change a long learned behavior overnight, or by simply saying "these are the new rules" !! Take small steps to begin with. Let them know that you are going to "try" this, specify a time, like ten minutes, and then leave in ten minutes. If they have done what you have asked them to do, make sure you reward them with praise for their good behavior. Slowly increase the time for outings that you know are going to cause problems and as things get better everyone will fall into line with the program and tensions will lesson, as well as out of control behaviors. COMMUNICATION and EXPRESSING EXPECTATION is the key! Do not change the rules in the middle of the game, if you need to take longer than expressed to complete the task ---- FINISH it LATER !

MAKE A LIST of RULES! Decide what your limits are for your child's behavior ---- make sure EVERYONE is on the same page as to what is going to happen. For little kids it is a good idea to keep reminder cards available for them to see, and for you to talk to them about it for example:
When something is requested, do it
"NO" is not an answer that is acceptable
You will not yell or act out in a manner that is unacceptable in public or private

Reading the list of rules before going into a public place can truly help centre the child and helping them keeping it together --- giving a child a constant reminder will keep them focused as little children forget easily. Consequences are the same for an adult as they are for a child. As an adult when we have broken the law and have to show up in court, you get the picture really clearly and really quickly, this should be the same for the child in question.

Act swiftly when an occurrence of disobedience does occur --- if misbehavior, rudeness, abuse, belligerence, or disrespect occurs, simply take them out of the situation, and without ANGER on your part, take them home. Do not negotiate, and do not get into a screaming match with them, this will only exacerbate the situation and remember it is the rise that they are trying to get out of you. Once you call a halt to the situation, do not let them renegotiate into carrying on with the activity. If your adolescent child gets totally out of control and screams and yells, calmly take a seat on a bench in the mall, and watch the show unfold. If people walk by and make comments, simply agree with them that your child is being obnoxious, but you yourself MUST stay CALM!
It is when your temper gets out of control that they truly take advantage and keep pushing the buttons to get a rise out of you, that is what they want and what they are waiting for. Do NOT Give it to them !

You bet, this can be so embarrassing for you, and the child knows how much you hate this, so that is the reason that they continue to act in these ways. The less you react to their behavior the less effective their blackmail becomes. Children will think this way, "You either let me have my own way or I am going to embarrass you and use all the emotional blackmail I can in front of all these people (or even in front of family) and make you feel so uncomfortable that you will give me what I want, when I want it, and if not, watch out!" WELL, CHANGE THE RULES, embarrass them by letting on lookers know that your child is being an idiot, but you are not going to stop it, they are. And then just wait it out, or until someone calls security or the cops, and trust us, when you explain your side of the story, and they see your child being enraged for nothing, they will side with you.

When you do not give into them, it is up to them to figure out a new plan, and another way to solve their problems.

If your child does misbehave, make sure that the next time that you go out, leave them at home with proper supervision, taking time to explain to them that they are staying home because their behavior was unacceptable the last time that you went out, and if they beg you to let them come with you, stay strong and committed. Give them a new task by telling them that if they can handle being at home and conducting themselves in an acceptable manner then the next time there is an outing planned you can each talk about what is expected and what will be tolerated, other than that you are in control and it is going to stay that way. If they can not comply then they will not be included in much of the families activities until they can decide that they are going to be respectful and decent in their behaviors.

Surprisingly it is simple when children resort to inappropriate behaviors to get their own way this clearly shows that they are lacking problem solving skills, and without these skills they will enter their adult years with a severe handicap. You see this all the time when you see adults who constantly scream and yell when they are frustrated and when the emotional stress in their lives are high, it is simply a big tantrum and needs to be treated in the same manner. The sad part is, it is these are the adults who grow up to be abusers of their spouses and their children repeated an all to real and sad cycle.

When the Arrow is Pointed at You !!

2009-03-26T21:26:00.000-07:00

When the Arrow is Pointed at You !!

You will absolutely know when the target is on your back, and it will be an unmistakable feeling when the child has set you apart for their 'attacks' and if it is not you, you will recognize the person who is receiving the brunt of your child's' inappropriate behaviors, from the violence to the verbal abuse, to ignoring a certain person outright.

These actions and behaviors will definitely give your child a sense of power and that sense of power will escalate with every 'targeted attack', especially those that do not have consequences or unsuccessful interventions. When these behaviors are not effectively addressed and they are either brushed off, or having excuses made for the behavior will be a guarantee that the inexcusable behaviors will continue and in fact get progressively more and more abusive and out of hand.

It is true that you can have a child that is absolutely charming and engaging when they are in the eye of the 'public'; which can mean when other family members who do not live in the home are present and or visiting, when they are in the company of strangers, turn around the instant they are in the home environment without unfamiliar eyes upon them and without warning or provocation become an abusive, defiant, rude child who will relentlessly 'target' a certain person in the home.

There really is no doubt that the child who has chosen to be a 'bully' in the home do so because they are allowed to get away with it. Children will recognize very quickly how to deal with different people and how they can successfully abuse and manipulate different people in different ways. They will know from a very young age who they can be abusive and cruel to and who they can not intimidate, bully or abuse.

People DO teach other people how to treat them. If you as a parent, brother or sister, step parent, grand parent will accept from an adolescent abusive, cruel, manipulative, rude behavior without putting a firm stop to it the very first time that it happens, this child will continue to up the ante every time there is an interaction in which they are allowed to be obnoxious and rude. They can only see how their behavior is accepted and they will not be willing to change it, to give up their power, nor redirect their target all the time what they are doing is working for them.

Children recognize very quickly which people in their lives have their unmovable character and strength of their own, and it is these people that a child who wishes to overpower will not be those who display their own great character and strength.

It is not only those people with a firm understanding of themselves and whom display a sense of their own power that children will not try to manipulate or control, but it is most definitely those adults who these children recognize as those who can be manipulated and controlled by their abusive and mean-spirited behaviors that will be targeted. Children have the clear ability to read and recognize those adults, and even siblings who will not follow through on their stated action or consequence towards the child whose behavior that is out of control. These children learn who will accept their excuses for their inappropriate behaviors and the ones who always make excuses for them and even how to manipulate these adults into placating them with things they want in exchange for 'good behavior'; which by the way will only be good until 'the next time'.

When a child has set their sights on one or more person to to target and act out against it is a clear indication that he/she has learned that they can feel a great sense of power at their targets expense. The reason this works so well for the abusive child is because of the emotional boost that the child receives from their behavior.

In all reality these children have such a poor self image that being able to dominate through cruelty and abuse takes all of the focus off of themselves and they are able to redirect negative self images onto others through their abusive and out of control behaviors towards others. This behavior will often empower the child in ways that they do not always understand, but they do understand the power they gain through their unwanted and unwarranted behaviors.

When an adolescent children decide to target one parent over another they have all ready determined which parent they can manipulate and abuse with little or no consequences whatsoever, these are the parents that are not in alliance with each other. These children are getting two different messages from within the same family, and when you have a single parent home the child then has total control of the home through their behaviors.

Different messages from the adult world will send definite messages to the child who is out of control and one of the greatest message they are giving the child is this: however you want to talk to me, however you want to treat me, however you want to control me, it is okay with me! Because no child who tries this once and does not get the power and control that they are after, will not continue to try this behavior because they are not gaining the satisfaction that makes them feel better about themselves, reasoning and compromise is not going to be an effective method for getting these kids to give up these behaviors. It means more to them that they have even a false sense of power than it does that they treat the target parent or sibling with dignity and respect.
These children, while abusive, are actually afraid, they are afraid to feel, they are afraid to be confronted by situations, especially those they feel they have no control of, this is the greatest reason why they act out the way they do.

Unfortunately the natural chain of events in these homes is that the children grow up in are subject to parental division. What generally happens is that parents will become angry with each other at the disharmony in the home, or even direct their anger at the disruptive child. They can argue who is at fault for the child's abusive behavior and it is usually the targeted parent who is found to be at blame, and in no way is it their fault, they just become the target of blame and the focus of the adolescents anger. It seems that it is almost easier for the adults to argue with one another than to take in hand the adolescent who has become disrespectful and argumentative. This is exactly what needs to be avoided

Parents have to learn to come together and realize that either one of them could easily be the target of the out of control child and be the one who receiving the barrage of verbal, physical, and mental abuse, and it is not the fault of the parent that is targeted. Parents must lay aside all blame and begin to work together on a plan of action of how to deal with this abusive behavior. If you are a single parent, and if you have extended family, it is then important to make and implement these plans so that there is support not only for you as the single parent but also support for the child.
Everyone must come to consensus that from this point forward there would be no excuse for abuse and no other abuse would be tolerated.

The statement that there is going to be absolutely no more abuse tolerated in the family must be expressed, clearly, to the adolescent child. Do not play the blame game, and do not get involved in a conversation with the offending child who is acting out, just put the full responsibility for their behavior back on the shoulders of the child without anger or resentment.

No matter what the parental dynamic consists of there are two words that must become foundational in there repetition, that being 'we' and 'no'. We as your parents will not tolerate this abusive behavior any longer. No. You are not going to talk to you mother/father/sibling this way any more, and you are going to be held accountable for your abusive, obnoxious behavior. You have to enforce the fact that these are not just words any longer but they are commands that will be followed through. No one deserves to be abused, and the abuser does not have any right to treat any single person in their life in the manner that they are being treated. It must stop and the adolescent who is perpetrating the behavior has to be held accountable for each and every action.

Adolescent children know who in their lives have authority and who they can and cannot manipulate. This is why we see young people who will selectively abuse certain people and be totally respectful to those whom they know could not get away with being disrespectful to.

Parents, when you have an adolescent in the home whom is running the home through abuse and disrespect must be made to realize that if the behavior of abuse and disrespect continues then the consequences need to be clear and swift in response and just as the abuse is uncomfortable, so too must the consequences be uncomfortable.

Your child must be made to understand that they can gain skills to manage their feelings, both the feelings of anger and the feelings of low self esteem, powerlessness, confusion and helplessness from within themselves. Once a child learns how to manage their feelings and have a better understanding of themselves and who they perceive themselves to be, things will get better in the home. This will not come all at once and this is not an easy process, but it must be adhered to and if the consequences are allowed to slip, or if an outburst is forgiven then you can expect nothing else except escalation and the manipulation will continue and even become more cruel.

Make a plan, as a family, assign consequences, stick to the plan and do not allow even one incident to go unpunished.

If you are a parent/s and are struggling with a child who has behavioral and or conduct disorder issues please feel free to contact us at http://www.sacyahomes.com/ or doccam@sacya.com and we would be pleased to talk to you further.
Watch for this blog to change each week as we discuss issues surrounding these topics, usually posted on Mondays, we attempt to post the same day every week.
Hang in there, and remember we are here to help, so please feel free to contact us when you have any questions or concerns.
Talk to you soon,
doc cam

WHAT ABOUT MY OTHER CHILDREN?: My home is not big enough for my beloved child who is disturbed, and the other children in my heart and home?

2009-03-24T09:38:00.000-07:00

Question: When their sibling is an aggressive and acting out in hostile ways all the time, what are my other children suppose to do?

Answer: First of all, as a parent, you Must recognize the truth behind this question. The truth is this, when your children are growing up around a sibling who is out of control, you are forcing your other children to grow up under a constant state of crisis, fear, and trauma.

The children growing up in an environment where there is constant hostility, emotional trauma, defiance, opposition, and manipulation coming directly from a sibling can, and does, have an incredible effect on the other children in the home. No one, except the one who has the loudest anger and is quickest to anger, seems to have control over everyone in the home, which leaves the other vulnerable children feeling like there is no safety net, and no one in control of the person who is violent and their display of no self-control scares them to the point of dismissing their own emotional needs.

It is traumatizing when someone your child loves and looks up to, as a younger brother or sister looking upon their older sibling with adoration and desire to be just like them, is hurtful to you to watch and not knowing what to do to repair the damage being done by that of your own loved but unpredictable child's life choice's from a parental stand point.

You know can not control it, you can not stop it, and you can not predict it. Never knowing when things are going to be emotionally torn and broken into piece's once again, never having an idea when this child that you love so much is going to create such a moment in time that they cannot ever recover from their own actions. Thinking to yourself, perhaps this will be the one over reaction that will cause irreparable and grievous harm to a truly innocent bystander to your child's uncontrollable anger.

One of the real tragedies that occur with this type of situation is the fact that siblings are affected in ways that may not be immediately apparent. While being witness's to the constant verbal outrage and anger they quickly become desensitized to the abuse and become more willing to tolerate it in marriages and other relationships, and often they themselves are the perpetrators of the outbursts. Their ability to be assertive is compromised as they are almost numb to any real feelings associated with abuse, of any kind, from verbal disrespect where something like calling someone you love a derogatory name and refusing to listen when someone is trying to tell them that they are being rude, or harsh or just plainly insensitive to the particular situation.

Children who grow up seeing this type of behaviour are affected in a lot of ways and their ability to relate to other people appropriately in social settings can be lessened and they can even be afraid of their own feelings, especially when they have to take an assertive role in some circumstances. In this world it is a necessary part of life for all of us that assertion, personal control, be something that we intrinsically understand and can cope with on a level of social acceptability while not muting personal concerns.

Siblings who are subjected to having live with a brother or sister who is abusive, to any degree, have a lot of difficulties dealing with and confronting their siblings. Making excuses to friends, to each other and even parents about the abuse their siblings inflict upon them, these actions can be emotionally very unhealthy for them.

Siblings who are living in homes where behaviour and conduct disorders are prevalent can often become 'lost'; they are the child that disappears every time a family situations get too intense for them avidly avoiding confrontation and conflict. This is the child who will later on in life develop complex personal coping mechanisms, and yet never really have a full understanding themselves as to why they react the way the do in future relationships that present stressful interactions requiring any types of conflict resolution.

We do not always see just these types of responses in children with poor adaptation skills, we are also seeing the child who needs and seeks attention with reverse reaction. What is meant by that is this child will run and hide, attempts to be invisible, even in social situations such as school. This may sound fairly innocent in the behaviour but the truth is that these types of actions are just screaming for attention ---- this is called "adaptive response behaviour". By avoidance and adaptation this child has taken out a great big neon sign saying "someone pay attention to me!" Children who choose this type of adaptive response to critical and crisis situations in their home are in a constant state of hyper vigilance towards any type of raised voices, watching for any signs of tension and always watching out for any kind of hostile reaction or cycle of violence occurs. They watch for the signs of tensions, acute violence, and then the 'honeymoon stage' ---- which in the adolescent eye is where there is peace and quite in the home, indeed even laughter and play and what seems like 'good times' in the family.

So there is recognition here for you and your family situation, and as a parent you can see your children in this forum. You can see the child who is out of control, and you can see the other children who are reacting in ways that scare you for them because you recognize that they are not coping with their angry sibling. What do you have to do as a parent?

First and foremost you must make a plan for your family, a plan to keep everyone in the family safe. You must look at this situation as you would for planning a safety plan for the family if the home was on fire. Part of the safety plan is to ensure you, as the parent, have control. Not just throwing up your hands in lack of knowledge when the abusive child escalates, you try to set limits, the child simply tells you it is not going to happen and strips you of your ability to control the situation by bullying you into submission, this sends a clear message to everyone in the household that it is the person with the greatest amount of anger and the loudest voice that is in control.

When the parent is bullied into becoming submissive to the defiant child, this is a parent that has stopped believing in the fact that can set limits and have those limits adhered too, they are proving to everyone in the home that there is no control.

Parents, the only way you can turn this around is to TAKE back control. You have to grow a 'backbone' and clearly stating what you will allow, and what you will not allow in your home. Use clear and simple commands ---- do not use language that opens the door to discussion ---- for example you can 'state': "This behavior is no longer going to be tolerated, you stop it, and you stop it now."
Then walk away from the child before they have a chance to respond to your command. Of course they are going to scream back at you ---- Do Not Respond! Do not get sucked into the back and forth argument, after you have stated your request, do not confront them, do not re-engage in their attempts to draw you into an argument. You have to start holding this child accountable for their own behavior, and if that takes leaving them in the kitchen screaming at the walls, then at the very least the other children in the home are going to see that you are taking back control by not engaging in escalating behaviors.

Now we hear a lot of parents say, this is just too simple, because the angry child will literally just walk through the house and 'chase' them down to continue the abuse and ensure they maintain control. If this is the sort of thing that you are dealing with, have an action plan for yourself and the other children in the home. Make sure that you stay away from engaging the bad behavior, if you have to, pack up the other children and walk out of the house and get into your car and go for a drive.

Ensure the other children that everything is all right and that you are going to keep them safe. Let them also know that things are going to be changes in the home and their brother/sister are not going to be the ones ' in charge ' any longer and that as a parent/s you have a plan to take back control.
And the ultimate goal is that everyone is going to be safe, and even the child that is out of control is going to be treated with love and the included in the goals to get the rules of the household back into the hands of parental control. The home will not be run by the child that is out of control any longer.

Now if the child who is out of control is to young to be left in the home, make sure that there is a plan in place for someone who can come in and be with your child until such a time as the out of control child can calm down and you can receive a pre-determined signal can be given and you can return home with the other children.

Make sure that your children know that as their parents it is going to be your responsibilities to deal with the poor behavior of their siblings and that they are not responsible to repair or help to reconstruct the broken family. Children must be free of adult issues.

Parents, please ensure that the other family members know that the child who has behavioural and conduct disorders are not ' bad ' but rather that their behavior is not accecptable and that as the parents in the family it will be your jobs to 'help' the disturbed child and that the other children help by doing what they are told to do without resistance when the difficult child is having a problem expressing themselves in appropriate ways.

There is hope. There is a way to fix this problem. There are ways to ensure that everyone comes out of this situation healthy and whole. There is no excuse for abuse from anyone, and no one has the right to be an abuser in the family. These behaviors have to be addressed and have to be corrected when applied by a child who is trying to control through their abusive conduct. Not only do they have to be helped because of the family relationships need preservation, but they must be helped because if left to continue with this pattern of response, they will grow up to be abusers in their adult relationships.

So we are going to keep talking about these issues.
You can feel free to contact us, if you have questions about these issues, and if you require help with your adolescent please feel free to contact us through our web site http://www.sacyahomes.com/ or contact us by email doccam@sacya.com and we will do All that we can to help you.

Continue to join us at this forum, we will keep talking, you keep visiting us

talk to you soon
and by the way we apoligize for getting this blog up so late this week ---- talk to you next Monday

doc cam

THIS IS NO TV SHOW: DON"T LIE TO ME!

2009-03-16T22:23:00.000-07:00

This is not the new tv show: "Lie to ME" I am your Parent and I will NOT have You lying to Me!

I Know that I do not have a 'bad kid', actually I don't only love this child, I honestly like this kid. Funny and articulate, he gets good grades and is liked by all his teachers. He is engaging and caring, nice, polite to adults and the older people of our community, shovling their walks in the winter and cutting their grass in the summer, never charging any of them anything. He even gets involved with his younger siblings on a level that seems so rare in these days. I only have one major complaint about him. He lies to me, ALL the time, about absolutely everything it seems.

He will lie about big things, and the dumbest things, like if he ate the lunch I packed for him, or if he joined his friends for pizza at the local food mall for lunch. I mean if he wanted to have pizza once or twice a week with his friends instead of packing a lunch, I really would not object, but to just out and out lie about it, seems so pointless, what is the point? But to lie to me and say he ate the packed lunch, and then I find it in his backpack the next day, or I hear from one of his friends, usually in a casual conversation that they do not know I can over hear, like talking about that they thought that the girl at the pizza counter was really hot 'today', or what ever, I mean I always find out, he does not do anything to hide the fact he is lying, what is the point? I mean, I think he would get sick of getting grounded all the time for lying? I just don't know what to do with him?

My fear is that this is going to lead to worse things to come. If he lies about the dumb things today, what will he be willing to lie about in the future? Will he grow up and lie in his working enviornment, his marriage, worse yet to his own children? What then, what would he be showing them, teaching them, but the worse thought I honestly have, is, where did I go wrong? My husband and I do not lie, and we do not lie to our children. If the truth be known, it is the one charactersitic that I dislike most about people, when people lie to me, they lose all my respect, and once it is gone, it is gone for a very long time. Now I have to say this about my own child.

Remember Parents, the child who is lying now does not mean that this is the child that is going to grow up and be the constantly dishonest person everyone talks about. This has to be a point now where you start to try and understand what it is that your child is trying to achieve by not telling the truth.

There are many reasons that your adolescent will lie to you and others, and the major reason you must look to is their problem solving skills, this is a huge indication that they are not grasping the concept yet of how to solve their personal problems that are combined in with their emotional balance and personal truths.

Adolescence is a very difficult time for everyone: the child is trying on all kinds of 'hats' to see what fits the best with who they would like to be, and a lot of times they will lie because they are feeling unfairly judged and sometimes when they recognize their limitations it causes them to react out of fear and they want to be seen as powerful.

Sometimes to the teenager it just seems that telling a lie is the easiest way out of situations they would rather not have to deal with. For them they may reason it is just less stressful to lie, to avoid what they may percieve as a problem if they think they are going to be in trouble for a decision they have made.

As a parent, you must have two strategies in mind while approaching this problem. Firstly it is a problem that must be addressed, and while it is a moral issue for you, for your child they are not going to be prepared to listen to a moral argument for their behavior because they are not likely to see this as a moral problem, so they are likely to just tune you out if this is the strategity you use going in. Secondly you have to have a conversation that draws out their reasons behind the lying. What are they trying to solve by choosing this behavior? You have draw out their reasoning for lying, and using a none challenging conversational style is most likely going to be your best approach.

If you start a discussion from a questioning point of view about how they feel about lying, when and why, or if someone should lie, is it ever okay, how do they feel when they have been lied too, and what about lying when you are trying to preserve someone else's sense of self-esteem, this type of questioning which is nonconfrontational, may give you a general idea as to where their justification for lying is coming from. You must now listen carefully to what they are telling you. You are going to find your solutions and directions in the answers that they give you.

If your child is lying simply to stay out of trouble with you, you may have to dig a little deeper to find out what is actually going on, as no child should be living in an atmosphere of fear, so lying should not be used as an 'escape route' to buy time until either the crisis in their mind passes or the situation is forgotten all together. Don't let this pass un-noticed or unchallenged. Ask them directly why they have lied. Digg deep, get to the root of the problem and help them to find a direction to solve the problem. If your child spins a whole story of why they have lied, listen to the entire story, but don't let them loose you in the plot. Let them know that their explanation (story) was interesting, but you saw all of the deception within it, and then ask why they chose to handle this situation this way. When you bring it back to them, they will have to accept that they have spun themselves into the situation that they are in. Let them know that you have seen the lie but do not lecture and do not make it into a moral issue, this is something that they have to work out for themselves.

You are likely to find out that your child is lying because they see this as the best course of action at the time. The old saying "seemed like a good idea at the time", is probably going to be the best rationalization you are going to get from your child at this time.

Once you have gotten to the bottom of why, you must still make it clear that there are no good excuses for a blatent lie, and that all choices have consequences. Lying is something that has to be set as an action that requires a consequence, always, there can not be any exceptions, and of course they are not going to like this rule, but they must follow it. IF they get caught in a lie about 'lying' then there has to be a seperate consequence, and there is no room for negotiation on this point.

As a parent when you choose to deal with a situation without putting the child down, or pontificating, moralizing or lecturing you are giving your child the strongest message that you can possibly give them. Their manipulation, their attempts to gain power and pull the wool over your eyes is not going to give them the outcome that they are plotting for. The best lesson you can teach them is that they are not going to get their way. The job as the parent in this situation is to let them know that they are not doing themselves any favours and even the 'innocent little white lies' will still hurt someone in the end.

Not knowing something, is no excuse to enter into the behavior. They have to be made to understand how a lie can end up costing them, or someone else, a lot, not just a thing like money, but more importantly, reputation, respect, and being seen as someone no one can trust.

The lesson for both of you is that you teach them to focus on finding new ways to cope with the stress of those situations that have caused them to lie. The lesson for you is to hear and listen to your child, develop and re-develop a relationship with your child because this is your chance to let your child know that there are other options and that you are going to be by their side, always, but you are not going to let them walk down those paths in life that are going to damage themselves and others without guiding them and stepping in when their actions require your intervention.

Let them know that this will be done because you love them. Everyone makes mistakes and everyone has the right to forgiveness, and as their parent, you are going to be in their corner to support, help, and direct, not to judge or interfere.

It may feel like the worse thing in the world when you find out that your child is lying to you and may have been lying for quite awhile, try instead looking at this as an opportunity to not only teach your child better coping skills, but also to look within and to deal with your own issues. Everyone has work to do here. Don't be afraid to do it, and know that it will not all come together in one conversation, it will take many conversations, and many interventions to change this behavior. Don't let your emotions take over, think before you speak, respond always with love, and walk away before loosing your temper, because you will, Ask for help when you need to, you do not have to walk this path alone either, there are people and organizations that will help you, including ours.

Talk to other parents, talk to teachers, pastors, read as much as you can, even talking to other kids that are around your childrens age can bring incredible insight.

So do not hang your head in shame or bury your head in the sand, it is your duty to do what you can for your child to give them the best guidance from adolescences into adulthood.

Remember you are here to love them, help them to grow into the best adults they can be by not letting them cheat themselves out of being the best kids they can be.

hang in there, hang on

and as always, feel free to contact SACYA

doc cam