If I Give You an Excuse, That Should Be Enough!

If I Give You an Excuse, That Should Be Enough!


"Yeah but ..."
"Sorry, but ... "
"Hey, it's your fault cause ..."

You hear it all the time from your children when you are asking them for an accounting of their behavior, actions, or the reason they have done one thing, or another. As parents you must be diligent in listening to your child, and their first few words are their most revealing as to whether they are going to take responsibility or if they are totally going to advert all responsibility for their actions.

As soon as you hear, "Yeah, but he was staring at me funny." Or any sentence that starts in the all encompassing "Yeah, but ..." you all ready know that you are going to hear an excuse which adverts all responsibility from the child and is meant to direct the responsibility onto someone else. Maybe this is just to avoid the consequences, maybe the child understands that their behavior is going to require a negative punishment that they simply do not want to have placed upon them so they automatically attempt to excuse their own behaviors.

If excuses are allowed and the "yeah, buts...", are the most common answers that you hear, you must make a change in these excuse making behaviors because if you do not address this immediately you are setting your children up for a life time of failures. They are failing to see that they are developing bad habits including not owning up to their mistakes or taking any kind of responsibility for their own actions which will mean in the future they will refuse to accept any blame, take responsibility, which is going to leave them unable to change their thinking which will not only add to their inappropriate behavior but leave them feeling like they have the right to act in a manner which excuses all of the their negative behaviors and allows them to continue acting out and refusing to accept their own behaviors.

Children will learn quickly that excuse statements such as "Yeah, but ...," can and does often lessen the response, and even the consequential reaction of a parent and of course by having their actions dismissed by their parents means that the display of disappointment is not as evident either.

The problem however is instantaneous, without accountability there is no genuine change made on the child's part.

You have to realize that when children begin using using words and phrases such as "yeah, but.." or, "Gee, I'm sorry..." are actually just statements of manipulation. They choose these phrases simply trying to avoid consequences or getting out of trouble and trying to placate you so you will not be angry with them. There is a great deal of danger here for your child and their future ability to communicate honestly and taking a responsible look at their own behaviors and once these types of behaviors are incorporated into their personality, they will bring this into their adulthood and those relationships. As a parent you must correct these types of excuse making communication styles. You can allow your child to say "I am sorry, but...." as long as that but is followed by a "but" with an action oriented plan following the apology. For example when you teach your child to say, "I am sorry, but, next time I will make sure that I do this ... instead of doing what I did today." When you teach your children to communicate with these types of statements, you can hear the child owning their behavior, recognizing their negative responses, and also having a clear idea of what needs to change in their actions to make sure that the same mistake is not made again. This is key to developing a positive and responsible child, one who will become a contributing and positive influence to other people in their adult lives.

Please do not misunderstand what is being said here. When a child does apologize, it is a good thing. If they are sorry for their behaviors, accept their apologies. If your child is giving you an apology but they are putting an excuse behind it, it is that behavior and communication style that has to be corrected.

It is imperative that children learn to say that they are sorry but when they say they are sorry and follow that with a "but", you know that they are getting ready to make an excuse and it is at this point that you have to help the child to see that they are not really sorry for what they have done. Rather you want to be helping your child to approach an apology with two things, one of them has to be responsibility, and the other has to be an understanding that they will solve the problem differently next time the same type of experience arises.

Changing a child's behavior is not always automatic or easy, but it must be something that is addressed. Start by challenging your child's behavior and thinking immediately upon the presentation of an inappropriate behavior, and make sure that you challenge them each and every time you see a behavior or excuse making communication that is unacceptable to you. You can challenge the behaviors of excuse making by pointing out the inconsistency in the language being used by your child. For example if your child says to you, "I am sorry, but you wouldn't let me go out and play." So the conversation that you have with your child has to go along these lines, "I here you saying that you are sorry for throwing your ball in the house and breaking the mirror, but all you are really saying is that you are mad that you could not go outside, so you through the ball in the house and now that the mirror is broken you are attempting to make it sound like it is my fault that you have been confined to the house." First of all, help your child to see that an apology that folds in blame is not an apology, it is manipulation.

When your child has done something wrong getting them to apologize is not always the goal that you should go after, because an insincere apology is as much of a manipulation as the excuse made within the apology. It is not worth fighting with your child just to extract an apology that is meaningless. It will further the communication abilities with your child and with you if your communication with each other is at least honest at it's core so what you really want to elicit is to hear that they will take responsibility and express an alternative for future behavior that is more compliant with house rules and respect of persons and possessions in the home.

When you are trying to redirect your child's use of manipulation in their communication, or excuse making to deflect responsibility begin by speaking in terms of problem solving techniques. Help the child to identify those things that need to be worked on and what they can do to look at their particular circumstance and recognize the problems and how to solve them in a more effective way.

Once you recognize language that is loaded with manipulation and blame, statements that deflect any responsibility away from the child, begin immediately with corrective intervention. You must sit down and start to talk to the child about the avoidance language that they are using when they use language like, " Yeah, but ... " Point out to the child that phrases such as, "I am sorry, but, ... " or, "Yeah, but ... " , is not really helpful to anyone and then set new rules in place by telling them that from now on when they are asked to do something, or they are asked a question regarding their behavior they will answer in honest and direct ways that show that they accept their own behavior and indicate that they will change their behaviors by doing something different and positive as opposed to the negative behavior previously exhibited.

It can also be useful to offer to rehearse new ways of communicating when they are faced with situations where they would typically use an avoidance or blame technique in their communications. For example you can teach them to use sentences such as, "I was wrong, and next time I will attempt to do this instead." Practicing and role playing with incidents that have previously come up, will help them to understand how to use their language skills more effectively and also teach them to take responsibility for their actions. Through role playing and through practicing techniques such as these this will also allow the child to gain a greater understanding of their actions and their responsibility in their communication and in what and how they are saying something.

The real bottom line here is this: your child can solve his problems in life by blaming others people and avoiding responsibility by giving a lot of fluff in their apologies that they do not mean at all. Or they can own up to their responsibilities and actions by admitting their fault and holding themselves accountable. One of these approaches in life are much more constructive and healthy in the long run than is the other approach of false apologies and manipulation. As their parents you must decide what type of child you wish to raise, a responsible and honest child who will accept their actions and correct them, or a child that will constantly have a long line of dead end excuses and always look to blame others for their poor choices and behaviors.

Remember, quality communication skills do not only enhance your relationship with your child but it also enhances their standing in their communities when they become participating adults in the world they are going to be contributing too in the all to near future. Their lives depend on your ability to guide them and direct them and ensure that they do not avoid accepting the consequences for their actions either as a child or an adult.

Hang in there Mom and Dad, and remember that the team at SACYA is here to help you along the way. Feel free to contact us with any comments, concerns that you have, and keep checking in here as we (try) post new material every week here.

Talk to you soon.
Doc Cam